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And I’ve lost my breath under a dark cloud, wondering why it’s so hard for me to have the long, meaningful relationship I deserve. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one. And it hasn’t always been my choice for a relationship to end. I’ve wanted to be in love forever with some of the men I’ve dated. My date seems unsympathetically relieved at this last note. You must be picky.” We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase.
I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. “It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single. My black-and-blued heart is proof to him that I’ve gone to battle for love. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved.
At 51 yrs old and UNmarried; my biggest fear is entering old age alone.. MY parents attend even random doctor appointments TOGETHER..
Shopping, etc..whatever they do together…As much as I dig my independence I MISS being part of a forever union.. Good , bad or ugly…There IS comfort in that…Having said all of that I’ve a silent respect for those who are still patiently waiting on ‘the One’.. I don’t know how many men I’ve gone out with or how many men I’ve kissed or been intimate with or how many men I’ve lost to what was simply not meant to be.
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It is hard for me to imagine waiting & waiting & waiting on love until well into the 50s…I’m just NOT that patient! October comes in innocently enough, stretching the edges of summer into fall. I have held on to hope and to expectations and to dreams and to grief and to men I should have let go of much sooner. He wants to hear proof that he’s right about his assumption that there is something wrong with me. “I don’t even know,” I say with a smile and a nonchalant shrug. I don’t count the men because, in the end, they are all one closer to one that will be the One. “Some people aren’t interested in having a serious relationship.” I immediately find myself rising up to my own defense and resent us both for having to do so.
IF anyone can relate to this woman’s perspective, feel free to comment…I was captivated from word one! But then, one night, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold chill touches my shoulders like a former lover I’ve tried to shake from memory. My heart falls; I know that another long winter is approaching and I’m still alone. I have been high on love and tip-toed on top of clouds. ” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. “Does it mean I’m interested in having a serious relationship if I stay in one too long because I don’t know how to leave or because I can’t bear to be on my own? “I never married the wrong guy or pretended to be happy in a relationship when I wasn’t.
I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin. But I’m more focused on the fact that I’ve survived and have moved forward than on the battles I’ve lost. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.” My date pours more wine into my glass from the carafe we’re sharing.
At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. Our conversation moves on to entrepreneurship, a passion we share. And then I share my work and the business I’ve grown over the last seven years.
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