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The hessian provided what I thought must be a fair simulacrum of the coarseness of a woman's pubic hair, and by lining the tubular hole I had bored with Vaseline, I reckoned I had got as close to the condition of a true vagina as I was ever (honestly, ever) going to get. I had no option but to lay it back the way I had found it and hope for the best.
When piercing the foot sponge began to pall, mostly because I didn't like seeing my dick emerge from the other side of it and longed for something to bury my Jones in properly, I carved a hole in one of the big, foam-filled, hessian-upholstered back cushions of the sofa in the family TV room and fucked that.
And then slid off in lumps and sat, hanging like tiny jellyfish in the water all around me. I didn't have wet dreams about girls or anyone else, possibly because I was so permanently wrung-out of sperm there was nothing to wet the bed with, but also because, thanks to single-sex education and a big lonely house in the suburbs, I had literally never met a girl, so had nothing to base my dreams upon.
But I do remember my shock as the terrible shiny gunge fired out all over my chest and face. At the beginning, I am not sure it had anything much to do with sex.
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I was in the bathroom of my childhood home — pastel-coloured, nautical wallpaper, seahorses on the roller blind — soaking in Super Matey, idly stroking my short, pencil-hard penis, when there came upon me a greater sense of urgency than I had ever known. I had played with my tool before but this was a new and magical feeling, a fiery pleasure in my stomach, arsehole and all up my back. I fucked that thing like crazy for the whole of one long summer afternoon, until it was so full of splosh it could have given birth to a whole shopful of half-human seating solutions. That evening, when the family gathered in the telly room after supper to watch , I was naturally relieved when nobody sat back directly onto my special friend and got a tell-tale spaff-tattoo on the back of their shirt. And so gradually the male life builds itself around the great glory (and only very occasional shame and recrimination) of full-time masturbation.
I felt optimistic, alive, unbothered by homework, Common Entrance, the price of Monster Munch or whether I'd keep my place in the prep school first XI as a small, scuttling, non-scoring centre forward. And then all I had to do was turn it round so that the hole didn't face out into the room and nobody would ever know. But, of course, that meant that my handiwork stood exposed to the room. in his study, there were always naked tits and bums and vadges to be mined, extracted and bespaffed.
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